December 29, 2019. This is a date I shall never forget. That was the day I made a decision that would change my life. That would change me. Out of pain and darkness, I made the decision to commit suicide. Earlier this year I noticed I wasn’t feeling like myself. But I continued to ignore it. I pretended to be happy for everyone and on the inside I was dying. Though family and friends told me and showed me how much I was loved; I didn’t believe it. I believed there was nothing to live for; nothing to love, and no one loved me. Somehow I’d come to the conclusion of ending my life and I thought I was fine with it. I’m not! I’m still not!
This year was extremely difficult for me. I’d taken more on than I should have. I can admit that now. And any time I couldn’t finish something or I deemed it not good enough I tore myself down. I told myself some horrible untruths. I wanted to be everything to everyone. No one saw that I was slowly dying inside. I could feel myself shutting down. Not just physically, but mentally. I was drained. But every morning, I got up and I would do it all over again. I would pretend I was okay. No one noticed because I didn’t want them to. I jokingly tell people “I give you the Laura you’re comfortable with.” Which we all know jokes hide the truth. I do give people the Laura they’re comfortable with. I give some the joking Laura, the happy go lucky Laura, the friend that listens to all your problems and gives pretty good advice Laura. No one knew the real Laura. I made sure of that. So, when I finally broke, no one knew why.
Let’s be very clear, the moment I took those pills I knew what I had done. I knew what the outcome would be and in that moment I was okay with it. We all have to understand that we have limits. We can’t continue to push everything down and expect it to just go away. It doesn’t…It won’t. So, here I am trying to get through my days as open and as stable as I possibly can. Some days are good, other days I can barely get out of bed. But I make sure to get out bed! It’s mandatory for me to fight this. I will continue to fight until my last breath. And I will leave that decision to God.
The one thing I did learn from this was to take time out for me. So, for once in my life, I’m thinking about living. And I don’t mean going to work and paying bills. I mean actually living.
I mean the in between. The moments of laughter, the moments of peace, the moments of reflecting. I came to a decision…a real one! I love my life! I…love…my…life! I love the fact that I can change my mind about the path my life is going down. I can move to another state. Hell, another country! That’s the great thing about this life. You have choices. And if you don’t like that choice, then make another. Every day that you wake you up is another chance to get it right. I have another chance to get it right and I’m going to use it.
Lastly, I’d like to thank the amazing counselors at Lakeside (The Landing). With their help, I’m able to use the word “no” without hesitation. And I don’t have to do everything myself. It’s okay for me to rest. To take some me time. This is why I’m going on my first vacation! I’m so excited! Fiji here I come!
Before signing off, I want you all to not only think about your physical health, but your mental health. I know life gets in the way and we think maybe it was only a bad day or a bad week, but don’t ignore it. Don’t be ashamed to get the help you need. It is essential for you to take care of yourself in order to take care of your family. Please put your mental health first.